I’m not sure why i’m feeling it now – its probably a combination of six months in, plus the impending long slog that is the summer (though you wouldn’t know it with this pathetic excuse for weather recently…) and perhaps the culmination of several years of moving around.

I’m feeling really restless. I walk about in my flat, thinking of things I should do, ought to be doing, could be doing. Why am I here in this capacity? Because its the route that mainstream society takes. After school, society tells you to go to university, after uni you get a job and then bang, theres your life right there, so long, good luck, thanks for payin’ yer taxes!

Well, its like that lil choo choo train that chugs along taking you through the education route has just arrived at its final destination, its dropped me off at the terminal and i’m here watching the clock and impatiently tapping the floor with my right shoe. What next? I guess this is where I make my own decisions. I’m at the end of the line for the societal machine, now they spit you out and you do what you can.

Not only that – as much as I love London, i can’t stay here and i wouldn’t want to. Like I said, maybe its cos i kept moving around for the last four years, but admittedly they were not life changing moves. Now i feel like a life changing move. It wont happen instantly, but I’ll patiently wait a couple years if it means a dream job in Singapore or HK. I just feel unsettled here – friends and family aside, I think I need more. Like that butt groove you carve out for yourself on your old sofa, get too comfy and you’ll end up staying there.

Unfortunately, i’m not one of those people who can be happy with a cup of tea in the morning, a so-so job and a comfy bed at night. I envy those who can – but the way i rank my life is by fulfilling new things – making new memories that I dont ever regret. Maybe to the surprise of some, I don’t think career is actually the most important thing in life – but you’re a fool if you don’t think its not a damn good vehicle for getting where you wanna be. My parents raised me to aim high and thats what I’m doing. I’m doing it for them, but also because i know the journey will take me to places and give me experiences I could never dare to dream of, if I didn’t embark on a career plan. I don’t want to work 12 hour days and I don’t want to give my life over to it – I could never be an ice cold senior manager bitch, I don’t have the resolve for that. But i’ll see where this takes me. Its my ticket outta here – avoiding the possible entrapment of a so-so life.

So, I just need to make myself acutely aware that this feeling won’t go away and I need to be proactive. Things wont just happen for me anymore, i have to make it happen. I need to take my chances and not look back tentatively at the road travelled and think, what if?

A colleague told me the other day, she thought I would go far. She said to remember her when I’m the big CEO of a company, haha. It really made my day to think someone I respect thinks like that. Its a total exaggeration, as I said i don’t think im cut out for top management, but it gives you such a boost anyway.

Been a long time since my last blog. Yes, its because of work but not because i’m so busy. Its because i have nothing to write, except I went to work today. And thats exactly the sort of bland grey statement i wish to avoid making day by day in a so-so life.

In other news, my department are migrating to Bournemouth in August, which means I will be transferred to a project role which actually sounded quite exciting. I’m very happy at this, as i’ve pretty much topped out anymore learning potential in my current role. This week will be incredibly hectic as we have federal targets to be reached by Friday – ironically this is like the culmination of my six months learning, like the exam you take after the long drawn out course.

Still, I delude myself into thinking this life is university in disguise..!