In homage to my morning chaffeurs…

• “I apologise for the delays to your service this evening. This is due to….. well, it’s just a crap service isn’t it?”

• “Next time, Sir, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train”

• “Would the lady going down the escalator please lower her umbrella, it doesn’t rain underground.”

• “This train willl not be stopping at Mansion House as no one ever gets on or off there. If you did want Mansion House it’s tough cos I’m not stopping.”

• “When the gentleman on platform four has finished his phone conversation, would he kindly tell us how he gets mobile phone service down here when the rest of us can’t? Thank you.”

• “Please mind the gap when leaving the train. If you’re not leaving the train, there’s no need to mind the gap. It’s all right, you’re safe.”

• ‘Please let the passengers off the train first….Please let the passengers off the train first….Please let the passengers off the train first….Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then – stuff yourselves in like sardines; see if I care – I’m going home.’

• “Hello this is (xxx) speaking. I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly. We will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm local time. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees Celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill East, so there’s no need to adjust your watches.”

• “Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria Station, and we are stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. `Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..”

• Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a wheelie bin.”

• Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with `Please hold the doors open.` The two are distinct and separate instructions.”

• “We are now travelling through Baker Street: As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me so I couldtell you earlier but no, they don’t think about things like that.”

• “When you’re leaving the train, ensure you elbow your way out so that you get to the escalator before anyone else does….that was irony by the way” And: ” That’s right – kill for seats. You’ve only been sitting down all day after all” And “I’m not an axe-murdering, baby eating lunatic who’s going to drive this train off a precipice, you know. A smile would be nice.” “Come on – smile! It could be worse. You could be stuck on a plane being struck with deep vein thrombosis.”

“On the Northern Line, when a teenager had pretended to jump in front of the train, the driver announced: ‘you should have done it mate, it might have knocked some sense into you‘.